Detention of the Dead (2012)
Scroll down to the bottom of this review if you want a TL:DR version.
What to say about this film? Well it scored a poultry 4.2 on the IMDb site, and I'd have to say it isn't far from the truth. Zombie films are a dime a dozen these days just like vampire and werewolf films. But as a genre it's about as popular as Burberry and just as annoying. Still, credit to those who continue to make them as it's nigh on impossible to come up with a new and original way to portray the living dead.
Sadly, this film doesn't break the mould in any conventional way, the acting leaves little to the imagination and the over-used social classes that make up the cliché American high school are prevalent The testosterone fuelled jock, the alpha male, the pot-head, the head cheerleader, the nerd and the Goth girl make up this cast and none of them are likely to be adding an Oscar to their mantles any time soon.
With little explanation, the zombie virus breaks out during detention, the place where our cast convenes. For some inexplicable reason they quickly figure out what's happening, but when their teacher gets bitten and they decide to head to the library they take her with them. Eventually she gets decapitated by the pot-head using a guillotine.
It's about here that I realised this film is little more than a re-hashing of The Breakfast Club but brought kicking and screaming into the 21st century and shoved into a school full of flesh eating ghouls.
I imagine it'll come as little suprise to learn about the love square that's going on here. The cheerleader is in a relationship with the alpha (they were caught doing questionable things in the bathroom that landed them detention) but the nerd (who was taking performance enhancing drugs - can someone say irony? - to make sure he got into Harvard and was caught by the now decapitated English teacher) is totally in love with the cheerleader. But all along the Goth chick is in love with the nerd. And the pot-head? Well he's too high and preoccupied with playing with his teacher's decapitated head to even think of getting it up.
Like many horror films of this genre, you can predict those who are going to survive, by now we've lost testosterone-fuelled jock to an errant zombie no one knew was in the library, and alpha got a tiny nip on the end of his finger that sees him slowly begin to turn. As the cast are having heart-t0-hearts (if you can call them that), I wondered if alpha would perhaps sacrifice himself, but no, instead he decides along with Goth chick and pot-head that they're off on a jaunt to try and escape.
But no! Cheerleader doesn't want to leave so nerd stays behind, much to the chargrin of the Goth girl. While they navigate the vents (original or WHAT?!) Cheerleader and Nerd have an awkward conversation where you see him put his heart on the line and her vapid responses that would have most foaming at the mouth at just how vacant some people can be simply turn him on even more. Kissing ensues.
Meanwhile, in the vents, Goth chick, pot-head and alpha come across a zombie rat (I know, but you can't make this shit up!) and after some too-ing and fro-ing and some frantic backwards shuffling they tumble from the vent and pot-head realises he's left his stash up in the vent. Most sane people would just run for it, but he doesn't and of course he's consumed entirely safe for his legs by the rats. Luckily alpha and Goth chick use his severed limbs to fight their way back to the library and manage to successfully cock block the nerd who's about to lose his virginity to the virgin cheerleader.
Realising they zombies now know exactly where they are and they've got to do something unless they want to become a midnight snack for their once-classmates they make something akin to Dead Reckoning (from Planet Terror), well if it had been made by an armless leper. So out they come on pot-head's long-board English teacher's head on a spike at the front and fight their way using the gun nerd was going to do himself in with, an American flag pole (how patriotic!) and Cheerleader gets throwing stars from somewhere. It takes them mere seconds to destroy it and soon they're once again fighting against the hoard with anything and everything that comes to hand from a gun to pencils, a baseball bat, a knife Goth chick had in her oh so cliché Dr Martens to a clarinet.
Nerd tells them he'll hold them off (FFS it's the apocalypse, don't be a hero!) while they run through the gym to the roof. They gym is teeming with the zombies but somehow Goth chick and Cheerleader make it to the ladder but of course the blonde bimbo gets bitten on her ankle. With one bullet left, and Goth girl about to do what she's no doubt dreamt of since grade school Nerd busts through the hatch onto the roof. Zombies don't jump, but they can climb, they empty the last bullet into his brain but here comes Zombie-alpha. Yeah, you guessed it, blondie side-tackles him off the roof and queue Nerdy-Gothy kissing and oh look here come the army!
Overall it was fairly predictable and very strange in places, the roof filming looked totally different to the indoor shots and the only person with an even remotely believable character was Nerd but even he was too good looking to be a real nerd. It also wasn't the worst film I've ever seen, and it was entertaining enough for a Saturday afternoon when I didn't want to have to think hard about what I was seeing.
It gets a paltry 4.9/10
TL:DR : Imagine if the Breakfast Club was dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century and if there were zombies.....
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