Apollo 1.....Zzzzzzz *snort* *jump* oh, sorry was I asleep?

Title: Apollo 18

Year: 2011
Synopsis: Crap.

I remember seeing the trailers for this way back when I was last at the cinema. During a trip down south just after Christmas I was in heaven....I mean HMV when Chris pointed it out. I'm a little iffy with some kinds of horrors, and I managed to miss seeing it in the cinema. THANK CHRIST! I rue anyone who had to spend the extortinate price of a cinema ticket on this piece of cinematic UBERTRASH.

Ok, so the cover is all 'based on real footage' and to be honest I was a little scared. The idea of being trapped somewhere in space where any number of things could go wrong and you would die a very lonely death is quite scary to me Anyway, I digress. There are these three blokes, I've forgotten their names but for ease I'll call them Bob, Achmed and Jib. They kiss their families goodbye for a mission they're not allowed to tell anyone they're actually going on. Cue alarm bells.

Achmed and Jib are destined for the moon while Bob keeps his beady eyes on them from the comfort of a shuttle orbiting the moon. Their mission is to collect some specimens (I think) of rock (whoooopydo!). Jib and Achmed make it to the moon fine, and around here it's ok to sleep for abour 43 minutes while shite all goes on.

Achmed and Jib have a few cameras and snazzy VHS tapes to record every tiny detail, presumably so they can show their mates back on earth and get all the renown for being giant cocks. Which they are. Anyway, they have their oh-so-important rocks all good to go when something goes wrong on take off back to the shuttle.

So, you're in space, and there's something wrong with your spacepod thingy. What do you do? Well, in real life you'd probably be half way home to earth, but in a 'horror' film one of you goes outside to investigate without a torch or any kind of weapon and it spells disaster. And oh-dear-god is it disastrous! Achmed the fool, goes outside and while Jib is pretending to be intelligent you hear screams of pain and anguish coming from outside.

'It'sinmysuit!!!!!' is all you hear for a few seconds while Achmed looks like he's wrestling an invisible crocodile. Oh! What was that!?!?!

A spider runs across his face........................................................................................................................................................................................................urght

sorry I fell asleep just remembering it.

Yes, a spider. Anyway, Jib makes some kind of heroic movements in Achmed's direction and drags him back inside. Like a traumatised infant, Achmed is convinced nothing happened till Jib realises he's pointing his camera at the ceiling and says.

'Buuuuuuuuut Aaaaaaachmeeeed yoooooooouuuuu'reeeeeeee bleeeeeeeeding!' In a derpy voice. Some impromptu surgery later, and Jib pulls out a shard of spacerock from Achmed's chest. He deteriorates quickly, muttering to himself, getting all bloodshot eyes and for some reason stands above Jib filming him while he sleeps. Weird.

During a moment of calm prior to the spider incident, Jib and Achmed go on a lovely walk over some moon-dunes and find another spaceship. A Russian one. I guess they wanted a lovely moon tea-party but were somewhat disappointed to find a fresh corpse lying near to the spaceship. Uhoh, there are those alarm bells again. Achmed and Jib hotfoot it back to their pod and demand to know if Houston knew about the Russians.

'Us? Nope we know nothing about the Russian spaceship that was sent to the moon and never came back because both cosmonaughts got eaten alive by space spiders. And no, this really isn't a suicide mission for your guys, which also has nothing to do with why you weren't allowed to tell your loved ones where you were going.'

A lot of face-palming and derps later, Achmed is losing the plot and Jib is running out of oxygen, when their moon buggy crashes and Achmed throws himself down a hole at the mother spider Jib makes a run for it to the Russian space craft in the hope of escape. By this point neither Houston nor Bob have made contact with Achmed and Jib.

Jib makes it to the Russian craft and manages to make it work, he reaches Bob who instructs him to try and take off and get near the shuttle to do a little space-walk to safety. Just then, Achmed turns up looking a little worse for wear and tries to break his way in with a hammer. Jesus Achmed, all you had to do was knock, but sadly, the spiders eat his face, he must not taste very nice though, as lots of blood ends up on the window.

I thought for a moment he'd make it, but as Jib takes off, those pesky rocks float up, and well, he gets eaten alive by hungry and apparently very territorial spiders. It's ok though, cause you see the tell-tale blood shot eyes and he's infected. Houston gets wind of their plans and tells Bob to abort or else!

Bob does not abort but Jib can't stop the pod from crashing into the shuttle. So they all die.

It pretty much ends there, apart from a few little lines about how Houston told their families they died in training exercises. Gah.

There is someone out there who is responsible for the trailer to this film. That person either needs a medal for piecing together the only coherent parts of the film, or shooting for being part of the biggest film cover-up in history. I remain undecided.

Today's lesson is: never pay full price for a new dvd. It just isn't worth it. Never again please.

-6.9/10