Aberzombie and Fitch!

Detention of the Dead (2012)

Scroll down to the bottom of this review if you want a TL:DR version. 

What to say about this film? Well it scored a poultry 4.2 on the IMDb site, and I'd have to say it isn't far from the truth. Zombie films are a dime a dozen these days just like vampire and werewolf films. But as a genre it's about as popular as Burberry and just as annoying. Still, credit to those who continue to make them as it's nigh on impossible to come up with a new and original way to portray the living dead. 

Sadly, this film doesn't break the mould in any conventional way, the acting leaves little to the imagination and the over-used social classes that make up the cliché American high school are prevalent  The testosterone fuelled jock, the alpha male, the pot-head, the head cheerleader, the nerd and the Goth girl make up this cast and none of them are likely to be adding an Oscar to their mantles any time soon. 

With little explanation, the zombie virus breaks out during detention, the place where our cast convenes. For some inexplicable reason they quickly figure out what's happening, but when their teacher gets bitten and they decide to head to the library they take her with them. Eventually she gets decapitated by the pot-head using a guillotine. 

It's about here that I realised this film is little more than a re-hashing of The Breakfast Club but brought kicking and screaming into the 21st century and shoved into a school full of flesh eating ghouls. 

I imagine it'll come as little suprise to learn about the love square that's going on here. The cheerleader is in a relationship with the alpha (they were caught doing questionable things in the bathroom that landed them detention) but the nerd (who was taking performance enhancing drugs - can someone say irony? - to make sure he got into Harvard and was caught by the now decapitated English teacher) is totally in love with the cheerleader. But all along the Goth chick is in love with the nerd. And the pot-head? Well he's too high and preoccupied with playing with his teacher's decapitated head to even think of getting it up.

Like many horror films of this genre, you can predict those who are going to survive, by now we've lost testosterone-fuelled jock to an errant zombie no one knew was in the library, and alpha got a tiny nip on the end of his finger that sees him slowly begin to turn. As the cast are having heart-t0-hearts (if you can call them that), I wondered if alpha would perhaps sacrifice himself, but no, instead he decides along with Goth chick and pot-head that they're off on a jaunt to try and escape.

But no! Cheerleader doesn't want to leave so nerd stays behind, much to the chargrin of the Goth girl. While they navigate the vents (original or WHAT?!) Cheerleader and Nerd have an awkward conversation where you see him put his heart on the line and her vapid responses that would have most foaming at the mouth at just how vacant some people can be simply turn him on even more. Kissing ensues.

Meanwhile, in the vents, Goth chick, pot-head and alpha come across a zombie rat (I know, but you can't make this shit up!) and after some too-ing and fro-ing and some frantic backwards shuffling they tumble from the vent and pot-head realises he's left his stash up in the vent. Most sane people would just run for it, but he doesn't and of course he's consumed entirely safe for his legs by the rats. Luckily alpha and Goth chick use his severed limbs to fight their way back to the library and manage to successfully cock block the nerd who's about to lose his virginity to the virgin cheerleader. 

Realising they zombies now know exactly where they are and they've got to do something unless they want to become a midnight snack for their once-classmates they make something akin to Dead Reckoning (from Planet Terror), well if it had been made by an armless leper. So out they come on pot-head's long-board  English teacher's head on a spike at the front and fight their way using the gun nerd was going to do himself in with, an American flag pole (how patriotic!) and Cheerleader gets throwing stars from somewhere. It takes them mere seconds to destroy it and soon they're once again fighting against the hoard with anything and everything that comes to hand from a gun to pencils, a baseball bat, a knife Goth chick had in her oh so cliché Dr Martens to a clarinet. 

Nerd tells them he'll hold them off (FFS it's the apocalypse, don't be a hero!) while they run through the gym to the roof. They gym is teeming with the zombies but somehow Goth chick and Cheerleader make it to the ladder but of course the blonde bimbo gets bitten on her ankle. With one bullet left, and Goth girl about to do what she's no doubt dreamt of since grade school Nerd busts through the hatch onto the roof. Zombies don't jump, but they can climb, they empty the last bullet into his brain but here comes Zombie-alpha. Yeah, you guessed it, blondie side-tackles him off the roof and queue Nerdy-Gothy kissing and oh look here come the army! 

Overall it was fairly predictable and very strange in places, the roof filming looked totally different to the indoor shots and the only person with an even remotely believable character was Nerd but even he was too good looking to be a real nerd. It also wasn't the worst film I've ever seen, and it was entertaining enough for a Saturday afternoon when I didn't want to have to think hard about what I was seeing.

It gets a paltry 4.9/10

TL:DR : Imagine if the Breakfast Club was dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century and if there were zombies.....

The vast fortune that cannot stretch to a watch!

Django Unchained (2013).

If you're a Tarantino-phile I suggest you exit this review now. K, thanks.

Now don't get me wrong, I like Tarantino's films as much as the next person. I saw the line up, Christopher Waltz, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jamie Foxx, throw in some spurs and people spitting tobacco and wielding awesome Stetsons and sawn off shotguns and you have the makings of a great cowboy film, no?

NO.

Now before you try to shoot me down, allow me to explain. This film is approximately two hours and forty minutes long. "There's nothing wrong with that woman, Titanic is longer! The final LOTR film is even longer stil!!!" I hear you yell at your monitor. Yes, I know, but those films had REASON to be as long as they were. An hour of this film is just, nothing, a black hole of banter, Tarantino's self-indulgent need to have a cameo in his own film and dragging out what is an obvious story line.

Imagine if Punisher, Taken, Taken 2, Law Abiding Citizen, Leon, Wanted and Machete (ok well maybe not Machete since it's already kinda there) were all set in Cowboy times and you have the story of Django (who I cannot stop calling Duhjango). A black man, sold into slavery trudging through woodlands meets Dr King Shultz who buys (ok shoots everyone) his freedom in return for leading him to a bunch of wanted criminals.

Django, who's shackled and on his way to hard labour until death and clearly has nothing better to do accepts and is made a free man, the rest of the slaves are left with a half crushed white man and a shotgun, doesn't take a genius to work out what happens next.

Here would have been the perfect point for a montage. Of course Django wants to kill every cracker is a 50 mile radius and Shultz agrees that they will go find his wife after all the killin's done. Broomhilda von Shaft, is a german speaking woman who lives with Calvin Candie (DiCaprio) and following a Star Wars style explanation and MISSISSIPPI in massive letters scrolls across the screen (if you weren't aware of being in the middle of a Tarantino special before, you are now) we follow Shultz and Django as they cook up a scheme to get them into Candie's home and out with Broomhilda.

Buuuuuut, does it ever work out that way? Out of nowhere the infuriating character called Stephen (played by a very very old looking Samuel L Jackson) accuses Broomhilda of knowing Django, and sneakily tells Candie who comes back into the room and preeceeds to butcher a black man's skull and talk about dimples in the bone.

Here would have been a great place for the film to end with a spectacular gun fight, and one does occur with Shultz killing Candie, only to get blown to smithereens himself. CUE ANOTHER HOUR OF SOMETHING.

Literally, an hour later Django gets his revenge, and after taking Broomhilda's signed freedom papers FINALLY blows up the Candie house and all those inside, and rides off into the sun- OH NOPE MY MISTAKE, rather he entertains his ladyfriend by MAKING HIS HORSE DO A FUCKING DANCE. Seriously.

When the credits rolled at the end of this film, I doubt I've ever felt gladness like it. I personally would like to thank Tarantino for raping me for an hour of my time. The film had a perfectly good story line, some amazing acting talent, some great gun fights and banter but it was JUST. SO. LONG! 

If you love film as much as I do, and finding a great film is less likely than winning the jackpot, you'll appreciate that a film that just drags on for the sake of screen time is like being jabbed in the eye repeatedly by angry crows, not enjoyable. Also, the soundtrack was all over the place, there was classical, music that sounded like it had come from a crappy 70s cop TV show and hip hop, it was like the barrel of crappy music has well and truly been scraped clean.

I probably will watch it again, but only when someone either gives it to me as a present or it's in the bargain bin for 99p. I'm just glad I didn't spend money to go see this in the cinema as I would have ended up in a sugar coma from eating ice cream and popcorn just to stay awake. I imagine those in the cinema either wet themselves or died of hunger/thirst and those who were lucky enough to survive probably smelt worse than a rotting corpse in the Sahara desert. 

A massive drain on time. 4/10.

R and Julie, another retelling of the classic?

Warm Bodies (2013)

I decided to rent this on a whim the other night having seen the intro to it during my last visit to the cinema months before it was released. I wasn't expecting much, I've had a bit of a zombie overload over the last few weeks what with The Last of Us (which was AMAZING), then watching World War Z in the cinema the other day (also pretty darn good). That and I've seen so many zombie films I struggle to see how it could possibly be told from a new angle and still be interesting.

That said, Warm Bodies does just that. It's reminiscent of the new fashion for making fashionable, up to date films. Nick & Norah, Juno, Scott Pilgrim etc etc etc, you get the picture. It works, it's hip, this film is definitely down with the kids, albeit dead kids. There's little back story into the apocalypse only that it has been 8 years since the first recorded case and of course it takes no time for most of the globe to become shuffling, brain munching, grey-faced weirdos. Pretty much the collective populous of teens at present, then. 

The film follows the story of R (pronounced Aaaarrrrrrr - like a pirate only less Johnny Depp) and his unusual zombie life, he cannot remember his name, or how he came to be a walking corpse. His thoughts are coherent and often funny with a dry wit, and he has groaning conversations with his zombud Marcus. One day he and his homies stumble upon Julie and her weird BF Perry and their friends. Chaos breaks out and R ends up munching Perry before laying eyes on Julie and well you can imagine the rest. 

R rescues Julie from the remaining zombies and takes her bad to his pad, an aeroplane on the abandoned runway of some nondescript airport. We learn R likes good music and collects stuff he finds on his shuffly travels. Cue montage of them getting to know each other.

We learn of the 'bonies' what zombies become when they give up, imagine an anorexic Skeletor and you're most of the way there. Eventually it becomes clear that the love is the answer and the zombies begin to revert to their human forms, this seems to anger the bonies significantly and so they start amassing towards the city. R, who has at this point admitted he killed Julie's ex decided he must find a way of telling the humans that the zombies are reverting and heads for the city followed by his zombuds and the bonies.

Does this film have a happy ending? Well what it does have is a balcony, which holds a Julie with a waiting R underneath, I hope that it was a happy accident as it's cheesey as hell but there we go, it's a love story first and the zombie apocalypse second.

Overall it was a good film in my opinion, and Nicholas Hoult does make a hot zombie. Will definitely be purchasing this film, but only when it's in the 2 for £10 at HMV.

7/10.

I'm not Forrest Gump you know!

Title: Adam
Date: 2009


Now I don't know much about the autistic spectrum, and I can't say it really featured all that much in life for me.  That was until I read 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time' by Mark Haddon. I won't ruin the story, because I think it's one of those books that aught to be in the top ten of any 'books to read before you die' lists. 


If you're someone who tends to judge a book by its cover (we've all done it!), then you'll glean little from this one, even the description on the back does little justice to the overall film. As the title suggests, our protagonist is Adam. He's 29, and up until six weeks ago, lived in a neat and tidy little world with his father in the big city. The film opens in his father's funeral, as Adam tries to come to terms with having to fend for himself, we the viewers begin to learn of his little nuances, All Bran for breakfast and then Mac&Cheese and broccoli for dinner, every single day.


He scribbles 'dad's chores' from the rota on the fridge, a move which I found particularly poignant, after-all, to Adam this is just fact. He picks up the broom and takes on-board his father's duties as simply as if he were putting on a tie. There is an overlying feeling of melancholy throughout this film, you fall in love with Adam, who is played by Hugh Dancy, so well in fact that the storyline draws you in, and holds you there until the very last second, and you're left with a quite sense of peace as the credits roll and the music plays.


But getting back to the film, we meet Beth. She's a little like Adam in her own way. Having recently come out of a messy breakup, she meets Adam in the laundry room of the building they share. A little scatterbrained, but quietly curious she accepts Adam as he is, and when she learns of his Aspergers syndrome simply takes it in her stride. Both Adam and Beth help draw each other our of their shells as the story progresses. One evening, Adam tells Beth he has something to show her, and takes her to Grand Central park, where he shows her two raccoons living in the bushes. As Beth is a writer this inspires her to write a story about the raccoons.


There is occasional narration during the film, by both Adam and Beth, which helps to give an insight into what they're thinking. I wonder if this is because neither of them will ever know what the other one is thinking, and this is an ongoing issue for Beth, the one piece of narration that really gets me is right at the beginning, where Beth says:


"My favourite children's book is about a little prince who came to Earth from a distant asteroid. He meets a pilot whose plane has crashed in the desert. The little prince teaches the pilot many things, but mainly about love. My father always told me I was like the little prince, but, after I met Adam, I realised I was the pilot all along."

I think we're all the prince, and the pilot. To our parents perhaps we teach them about a different kind of love. But then when you go out into the world, and you meet someone special or have children of your own you realise that it is your turn to be the pilot.

Although never conventional, their relationship has a certain innocence to it, when she is sad after learning her father has to stand trial for something we never really come to understand, she has to explain to Adam that hugging is considered the norm when your other half is sad. This is another endearing part of the film.

Not far into the film, Adam is sadly fired from his job working as an electric engineer at a toy company, and while looking for another job, Beth pretends to be the interviewer so Adam can understand the process and learn to interact as NT's would (neurotypicals, or people without Aspergers). At the same time Adam is offered a job on the otherside of the country, Beth's father is found guilty and sent to jail for two years. Unable to give her an answer when she asks him why he wants her to move to California with him, Adam is forced to do something terrifying and move out alone.

The film fast-forwards a whole year and we see Adam delivering a tour to some very bored looking school-children and talking about telescopes and how a large image of space is made up of lots of smaller images from multiple scopes. He stops himself from talking too much, a residual part of Beth's teachings from earlier in the film. When a colleague tells him that he has a package, he offers to help her carry the boxes, another mirror from the beginning of the film as Beth struggled up the steps to the apartment with heavy groceries and is ignored by Adam.

Finally, on opening the package it is a book entitled 'Adam' written by Beth about a family of raccoons living in Grand Central park and the film ends.

I quite simply love this film, the only downside that I can find is that the Americans pronounce Aspergers like Ass Burgers, which is quite distracting!

9/10.

It all started with a butt-squeeze!

Management (2008)

Dubbed as a 'touching' comedy, this quirky little piece of cinematic joy sees travelling art-saleswoman Sue (Jennifer Aniston) drop in the Kingman motel to stay. She gets a little more than she bargained for in the shape of Mike (Steve Zahn), the nerdy and needy night-manager of his parent's motel. One look (and touch!) of her behind sees him determined to get the girl.

Awkwardness ensues as Mike tries to impress the lady, turning up at his door with a bottle of cheap wine and the excuse 'all our customers get a bottle of wine', when that fails, he turns up with a bottle of champagne and Sue lets him touch her butt to get him out of his hair. The next day as Sue is leaving, she changes her mind and returns to a rather glum looking Mike in the laundry room where they proceed to have a bit of a lacklustre romp.

Assuming she's seen the last of him, Sue leaves. But a holiday romance is the last thing on Mike's mind as he makes the first of three journeys cross country to see Sue. Mike lands in Baltimore and surprises Sue at work who kindly allows him to stay. We begin to see more of Sue, she likes women's indoor football (I know, I'm rolling my eyes too), and handing out vouchers for Burger King food to the local homeless people. After a little while Mike gets on a bus and leaves Sue once more, I should add here that kudos to Steve Zahn, he can do the hang dog look like no one else I know. Sad as it may be, I just wanted to give him a massive hug. While in Baltimore, Sue tells Mike he should quit smoking, so he turns and throws his cigarette away quite dramatically, and says 'I just did'.

Back at home, he returns to the grind of the night shift and who should turn up unnexpectedly, on his fag break? Yep. She says 'I thought you quit smoking?' Mike drop kicks his ciggy (seriously, it was possibly the funniest part of the film!) and says 'I just did.' He asks Sue to join him at a yoga class, and then to visit his mother with him as she is sick. A strange but compelling conversation between strangers Sue and Trish (Margo Martindale) who tells Mike later to go out and find what makes him happy.

Shortly after Sue's latest departure, Trish sadly passes away, we never learn what's wrong with her, but there's a touching father/son scene as they scatter her ashes. Jerry (Fred Ward) tells his son that he's free to leave, and Mike is off again, not before pawning his mother's necklace that his father had passed on, so he could afford to once more head cross country after his love.

It's around this time that Mike picks up his Asian buddy and wingman Al (James Hiroyuki Liao), who's probably the funniest character in the film. With his help Mike gets a job and a place to stay while he looks for Sue. It turns out that she got back with her ex, Jango (Woody Harrleson), so what does Mike do? Yeah, you got it! He parachutes into their swimming pool, gets shot byt Jango with a BB gun and ends up in hospital only to get spurned once more by the leather-hearted Sue.

But then it's clear that as a glutton for punishment, he isn't going to give up easily. Not even after getting head-butted by Jango, who has a dog-wielding meat-cake air-headed side-kick in tow. Even after a beautiful serenade by Mike and Al (on percussion), Sue is still having none of it and visits Mike in his basement at the Chinese restaurant to tell him she's marrying Jango and is with child, and no it isn't Mikes. 'I want someone who's in control of their life' Sue tells him, in anger Mike screams at her to leave.

Standing in the sidelines, Mike and Al watch Sue marry Jango on the beach. As as joke, Al says 'makes you want to become a Buddhist monk.' Which unsurprisingly, Mike takes seriously. Four months later he returns to the motel and his father who hands him the deeds. He decides to turn the motel into homeless shelter with midnight basketball, something Sue had mentioned always wanting to do. He calls Jango to try and speak with Sue, but he is informed that they are no longer together and that Sue is living with her mother.

For the third, and final time Mike travels across the country, and finally he gets his happy ending, but we all knew that was coming, didn't we?

All in all, it wasn't spectacular, but I enjoyed the film because of Steve Zahn's performance, he was a very convincing and loveable stalker who has the best puppy-eyes anyone could have. It's a 'nice' film, that's easy to watch and makes you smile at the end.

7/10

Truth counts in a relationship!

Title: Beautiful Lies

Year: 2010

Emilie (Audrey Tautou) runs a busy hairdressing salon, one day she receives an anonymous love letter, which she forwards on to her lonely mother Maddy (Nathalie Baye) thinking it will cheer her up. However, the sender is her maintenance-man Jean (Sami Bouajila), who sees Emilie screw up the letter and throw it away. Unbeknown to him, Emilie continues to write to her mother under the guise of an anonymous lover.

By the third letter it becomes known that Jean is in-fact a very intelligent linguist, and suddenly self concious, Emilie finds it almost impossible to be around him. Desperate to get him out of the salon for a while, she sends him to the mail. Sticking stamps on the letters he realises he's out of stamps with one letter left to post, Maddy's love letter. So he goes to post it by hand. Maddy, who is waiting with baited breath in her garden for the post snatches the letter, and follows Jean all the way back to the salon.

Emilie realises her 'good deed' has backfired, and so a line of well-meant lies are spun to avoid heartache. All the while Emilie has no idea that Jean is the sender of the original letter.

I won't spoil the ending, as I urge everyone to watch this film. In the first few scenes I was convinced it was going to be almost identical to Amelie, I mean you couldn't get two more similar names if you tried! And anyone who knows me, knows how much I love Amelie. Perhaps then it could be said I even wanted the two films to be similar. And yes, in a way they are, but Amelie and Emilie are two entirely different characters, and as usual Tautou lends herself perfectly to her role.

There were only two things that I picked up that drew me out of the action, one misspelled subtitle (sop instead of stop) and a silly shot where it looked like the camera man forgot to pan with Maddy's feet. Pedantic? Yes, undoubtedly, but that's what being on a film course does to you. It destroys the pleasure of watching a film and taking it at face value. Otherwise I felt completely rapt and immersed in the story, it had a carefree feel to it, like it was set in a blazing French summer in the 80's.

The title is very much the feel of the film, lots of lies between several very beautiful people. From the boyish femininity of Tautou (does that make any sense?) to the olive, dappled skin of Jean, and even Maddy possessed a certain mature beauty it is so easy to fall in love with this film. It has easily escalated to the top of my favourites list along with Amelie, Priceless and Angel-A. But then I've always been a fan of foreign films, and there's something to be said for the French language, it flows, a lot like Welsh, but if you'd have set this film in Cardiff and in Welsh it certainly wouldn't have the same feeling!

Another great thing about this film, is that it isn't soppy and it isn't completely far-fetched like a lot of love stories. A sign of a good film, to me at least, is the feeling of being a part of the story, an onlooker and forgetting that what you're watching has a bunch of equipment, a script and several people running around with coffee and props just yards away from the action on screen. This has as much to do with good acting as it does with a great story. It's only at the end, or during a desperate run to the bathroom that you remember you're sitting on a sofa, or in a dark room with lots of other people!

Fantastic film, a definite recommendation for any film lover. That is if you can put up with the subtitles! 10/10.

Apollo 1.....Zzzzzzz *snort* *jump* oh, sorry was I asleep?

Title: Apollo 18

Year: 2011
Synopsis: Crap.

I remember seeing the trailers for this way back when I was last at the cinema. During a trip down south just after Christmas I was in heaven....I mean HMV when Chris pointed it out. I'm a little iffy with some kinds of horrors, and I managed to miss seeing it in the cinema. THANK CHRIST! I rue anyone who had to spend the extortinate price of a cinema ticket on this piece of cinematic UBERTRASH.

Ok, so the cover is all 'based on real footage' and to be honest I was a little scared. The idea of being trapped somewhere in space where any number of things could go wrong and you would die a very lonely death is quite scary to me Anyway, I digress. There are these three blokes, I've forgotten their names but for ease I'll call them Bob, Achmed and Jib. They kiss their families goodbye for a mission they're not allowed to tell anyone they're actually going on. Cue alarm bells.

Achmed and Jib are destined for the moon while Bob keeps his beady eyes on them from the comfort of a shuttle orbiting the moon. Their mission is to collect some specimens (I think) of rock (whoooopydo!). Jib and Achmed make it to the moon fine, and around here it's ok to sleep for abour 43 minutes while shite all goes on.

Achmed and Jib have a few cameras and snazzy VHS tapes to record every tiny detail, presumably so they can show their mates back on earth and get all the renown for being giant cocks. Which they are. Anyway, they have their oh-so-important rocks all good to go when something goes wrong on take off back to the shuttle.

So, you're in space, and there's something wrong with your spacepod thingy. What do you do? Well, in real life you'd probably be half way home to earth, but in a 'horror' film one of you goes outside to investigate without a torch or any kind of weapon and it spells disaster. And oh-dear-god is it disastrous! Achmed the fool, goes outside and while Jib is pretending to be intelligent you hear screams of pain and anguish coming from outside.

'It'sinmysuit!!!!!' is all you hear for a few seconds while Achmed looks like he's wrestling an invisible crocodile. Oh! What was that!?!?!

A spider runs across his face........................................................................................................................................................................................................urght

sorry I fell asleep just remembering it.

Yes, a spider. Anyway, Jib makes some kind of heroic movements in Achmed's direction and drags him back inside. Like a traumatised infant, Achmed is convinced nothing happened till Jib realises he's pointing his camera at the ceiling and says.

'Buuuuuuuuut Aaaaaaachmeeeed yoooooooouuuuu'reeeeeeee bleeeeeeeeding!' In a derpy voice. Some impromptu surgery later, and Jib pulls out a shard of spacerock from Achmed's chest. He deteriorates quickly, muttering to himself, getting all bloodshot eyes and for some reason stands above Jib filming him while he sleeps. Weird.

During a moment of calm prior to the spider incident, Jib and Achmed go on a lovely walk over some moon-dunes and find another spaceship. A Russian one. I guess they wanted a lovely moon tea-party but were somewhat disappointed to find a fresh corpse lying near to the spaceship. Uhoh, there are those alarm bells again. Achmed and Jib hotfoot it back to their pod and demand to know if Houston knew about the Russians.

'Us? Nope we know nothing about the Russian spaceship that was sent to the moon and never came back because both cosmonaughts got eaten alive by space spiders. And no, this really isn't a suicide mission for your guys, which also has nothing to do with why you weren't allowed to tell your loved ones where you were going.'

A lot of face-palming and derps later, Achmed is losing the plot and Jib is running out of oxygen, when their moon buggy crashes and Achmed throws himself down a hole at the mother spider Jib makes a run for it to the Russian space craft in the hope of escape. By this point neither Houston nor Bob have made contact with Achmed and Jib.

Jib makes it to the Russian craft and manages to make it work, he reaches Bob who instructs him to try and take off and get near the shuttle to do a little space-walk to safety. Just then, Achmed turns up looking a little worse for wear and tries to break his way in with a hammer. Jesus Achmed, all you had to do was knock, but sadly, the spiders eat his face, he must not taste very nice though, as lots of blood ends up on the window.

I thought for a moment he'd make it, but as Jib takes off, those pesky rocks float up, and well, he gets eaten alive by hungry and apparently very territorial spiders. It's ok though, cause you see the tell-tale blood shot eyes and he's infected. Houston gets wind of their plans and tells Bob to abort or else!

Bob does not abort but Jib can't stop the pod from crashing into the shuttle. So they all die.

It pretty much ends there, apart from a few little lines about how Houston told their families they died in training exercises. Gah.

There is someone out there who is responsible for the trailer to this film. That person either needs a medal for piecing together the only coherent parts of the film, or shooting for being part of the biggest film cover-up in history. I remain undecided.

Today's lesson is: never pay full price for a new dvd. It just isn't worth it. Never again please.

-6.9/10