Netflix Revisted - Bandersnatch

Hello film fans and welcome to 2019.

A million years ago I wrote an article (read it here) about Netflix around the time it was becoming a household name. I've had a subscription since then and I'm glad about that. As you may already know, Netflix has spend an eye watering sum of money in the last couple of years creating content of its own. Old favourites have been resurrected and brand spanking new shows have wowed viewers. In 2018 alone it's estimated they spent around $8 billion.

While taste has a lot to do with a person's viewing habits, it's pretty safe to say they have something for everyone. Stranger Things, Glow, The OA, Black Mirror, The Haunting of Hill House to name but a few and not forgetting a huge choice in original films. I think it's pretty safe to say Netflix are putting in considerable effort to be considered a hub of good entertainment.

The Black Mirror episode called Bandersnatch is no exception. It is one roller coaster mind f*ck that's guarenteed to leave you a little short of breath after you've gasped, cried with laughter and enjoyed all the 80s goodness rolled into a neat little package. The basic concept is this, you're watching a young programmer called Stefan Butler (Fionn Whitehead) go about his life while you're instructed to choose between two options on screen. It's set as I mentioned in the 80s, so anyone who remembers the decade should get the nostalgic feels from old cassette players to clunky game graphics and Wimpy!

If you ever watched Black Mirror, you'll already know that it's usually set in the not too distant future and heavily involves technology. This episode really stands out in that aspect as of course the world wasn't full of sleek shiny Apple products then. And so, through the use of clever storytelling we are immersed in a weaving plot line that undoubtedly affects the viewer on a different level depending on your choices. It's new and innovative in many ways although choose your own adventure style stories have existed for a long time.

Prepare to suspend reality for a while if you plan on watching and remember to keep an open mind! I'm not going to say anymore as it's definitely worth your time!

Happy new year film fans until next time!

Shrooms (2007)

Release date: 2007
Cast:
Lindsey Haun as Tara
Jack Huston as Jake
Max Kasche as Troy
Maya Hazen as Lisa
Alice Greczyn as Holly
Robert Hoffman as Bluto

You've probably seen this film in many guises a hundred times. There's literally nothing new or innovative about the plot of this film. Five twenty-somethings travel to Ireland to meet someone who looks like Captain Jack Sparrow and Kurt Cobain somehow had a child to pick some shrooms and get hiiiiiiiiiiiiigh (Jake).

They arrive somewhere in Ireland and Jake picks them up in a less than reliable looking mini van and they head out into the woods. While they're driving we get a glimpse into the characters. Not that there's much to glimpse, they consist of a somewhat predictable yet bizarre mix of nerds, jocks and hot chicks and a guy that's obsessed with martial arts and looks a bit like Jason Mewes. The acting is nothing to write home about.

As they're driving through ominous looking woods, they hit something and blood splatters over the windscreen. The gang get out to investigate and it turns out they hit a goat (at least I'm pretty sure that's what the SFX team were going for). As Bluto puts the dying creature out of its misery, two creepy guys come out of the forest. These two look like rejects from The Hills Have Eyes; missing teeth, gross hair, probably smelled terrible. Jake throws the carcass to them and they eye it up "food, good, good" they say and retreat into the trees.

Pretty much all of the rest of this film takes part in what looks like endless woods in an ever shifting layout. The gang set out to pick some shrooms while Captain Jake tells whoever is in ear shot that the shrooms with black nipples are some sort of gateway to the Gods. Apparently, if the person survives eating them, they are bestowed with the power of foresight, extreme anger and basically trip their bollocks off. Of course not everyone is within ear shot and Tara eats one. Er hello?! This is movie horror survival 101. Don't get split up (you will miss vital information) and don't pick and eat random shit you find in the woods. It's called Google, use it.

With the shrooms collected and fermenting they gather around the fire for some spooky time before bed. Once there was local boarding school with a bloody history and definite signs of child neglect, where naughty boys were sent to be corrected. Bluto (who is a steroid junkie) laughs this off as bull and tries for the 5th time to get into his GFs undies with little success.

By this point I was more than ready to see Bluto get it. The guy was pushy and needy and was basically ready to shove his man parts into anything, willing or not. When it's clear his GF Lisa isn't putting out he has a Trump-esque meltdown and drinks the entire kettle of fermenting shroom tea. Earlier, Jake was telling the rest of the gang about dogging (if you don't know what it is, I refer you to the previous search engine) and so, when a really grim looking car flashes its lights, Bluto was too busy following his junk to notice and gets it ripped right off by whatever is in the car. 

He tries to run but this thing stalks him for a while before burying an axe in his skull. No big loss there, but thanks to the black nipple shrooms of death, Tara sees it in her dream/trip/premonitory powers and basically freaks everyone out. Lisa wakes up to find half her hair cut off by Banjo and declares "I want his balls" whilst brandishing a pair of scissors.  It's around this time they discover Banjo drank enough tea for six people and so they take what's left and go looking for him. 

For some unfathomable reason, they split up AGAIN and one by one, they get picked off by some creepy child with a bag over its head and some other creepy man in a hooded cape. First Holly, who took off alone when the three girls were running. She bumps into the two creepy forest hobos' shack. A rather bizarre conversation ensues and she eventually escapes them before running into creepy bag child and actually trying to befriend it.

Naturally, bag-child isn't really up for making friends. It attacks and then Tara sees her die and tells Lisa to look in the water. First she finds an axe which ends up in Tara's hands and then Holly's corpse. Apparently this is where Lisa has a minor breakdown and runs off into the reeds to her untimely demise. It was the hooded man, with a rock, in the watery reeds. Bye bitch.

Troy and Jake spot Tara across a really wide river and yell at her to go to the house Jake talked about just a few hours earlier. Ahh the good old days where everyone wasn't tripping balls on shrooms. Some time passes as the remaining three head for the mortuary for evil children and begin to stalk each other through the decrepit looking rooms while seemingly being stalked by bag-child and hooded-cape person themselves. Unfortunately, his love of martial arts can't save him from bag-child, and Troy gets it from the bag-child. The local mortuary will be busy after this mess.

Seeing something spooky, Jake runs towards a balcony and throws himself off it, breaking his leg as he lands just as Tara turns the corner. It's obvious that he isn't going to make it, as they hobble down through the forest. Someone with a broken leg is only going to get you killed that much quicker. Luckily fate is on her side and a rock comes flying out of nowhere and oof, Jake's down. He doesn't get up again.

Tara is distraught and wails before we're treated to a jump cut of her being airlifted to safety.
While being tended to in the back of an Ambulance, Tara's sees the two forest hobos being arrested though she knows they weren't responsible. Since this film came out in 2007 and it's now 2018 I think it's pretty safe to say we won't be tortured by a sequel so don't look out for 'Shrooms 2: Hobos Revenge' any time soon). Bitch was never going to tell the police that it was a scary bag-child and hooded-cape person, likely because she was convinced it was all part of a really nasty trip

Just as we see the paramedic tending to a nasty gash on her forehead a phone starts ringing.
In one last terrifying hallucination the truth is revealed. There was never a bag-child or hooded-cape person, it was Tara all along, she killed all her friends while under the influence of black nipple death shrooms. Ooops. I'm not entirely sure who was calling her, I was too busy admiring the nostalgia of a Motorola Razr. Anyway, clearly still a bit mental she stabs the paramedic and the closing scene is of her bloody hands, a pair of blood stained scissors and her wide eyes looking out of the rear window as the ambulance drives away.

The message here is don't eat shrooms without doing your research. Also, don't bloody do it in a creepy forest after meeting some less than articulate gentlemen on the road. Finally, don't watch this film unless you want to know how NOT to do shrooms.

A sketchy 4/10, poor acting, poor dialogue, predictable and likelihood of rewatch? 0%

Until next time film fans.

Zombie Movie Marathon Sunday! Part 2.

Juan of the Dead (2011)

Rounding up my mini marathon is Juan of the Dead, it's a stark change of pace following the previous film I watched Train to Busan (link to that post here), its emphasis is on comedy and it makes a great follow up to what was a serious nail biter. 

It was at first a little slow but this film is totally worth sticking with. Juan is our protagonist (played by Alexis Diaz de Villegas) along with his bff Lazaro, his son Vladi and Juan's less than meek daughter Cami.

The scene opens up with Juan and Lazaro fishing with a harpoon in what looks to be the middle of the sea but is actually just off the coast of Cuba. As normal, we begin to see odd things happening, random attacks, the forces being called in etc. Juan and Lazaro put it down to the fact they live in Cuba. What follows is one of the most kick-ass zombie flicks I've ever seen (and there have been a lot!). Juan's old man is the first to get it after he dies of hold age. Lazaro in his constant attempt to be the hero fires his harpoon which pierces the old man and his still alive wife. Sadly it becomes his 'thing' throughout the remainder of the film. 

It was funny watching them stuff garlic into the old guy's mouth as well as steak him with three chair legs, all the time he's attached to his missus via the harpoon. When that doesn't work, they do away with the idea of him having become a vampire and try to exorcise him instead. This doesn't work so they simply bash his head in with the cross. In disposing the now severed body, Juan stumbles on a very lucrative business opportunity and Juan of the dead is born.

"Juan of the dead, we kill your loved ones, how may I help?"

Together with his rag tag team of amigos, Lazarus, Vladi, Cami and Juan set out and eliminate this latest pest to their peace. I liked that the weapons we once again unconventional. Juan and his oar, Lazarus and his butchers knives, Vladi and his baseball bat , China (the trans queen) and his slingshot. There are also nun-chucks and who doesn't love to see a zombie get smashed by those?! 

The cash starts pouring in, and the bodies start piling up in a funny montage of gore and ingenious zombie deaths. As ever in these types of film, not everything ends up going to plan and they run into the military who force the gang to strip naked before loading them into a van, handcuffed to each other. Lazaro shoots the driver as they hit a bump in the road just as they realised there was a stowaway zombie on board. The van becomes a cement mixer of testosterone as it tumbles to a stop. 

China is the next to get it, having been bitten in the worst stone tumbler situation imaginable. Juan is cuffed to China who is cuffed to a severed arm and a fresh Cuban ditty plays as they dance a dance of death. Lubrication saves the day as China is dangling over the edge of the building still cuffed to Juan. The oil causes him to slip out and fall to his demise. 

Some time passes and although the radio still says that all is well, people are getting killed on the streets and buildings continue to fall. Opting to get a boat and hightail it out of there, the gang heads for the coast. When they find themselves totally surrounded, in drives a God-fearing Crocodile Dundee who, using a car-mounted harpoon in a post drives around the hoard like a May Day pole dance gone horribly wrong. 

This guy is the saviour, the Chuck Norris the gang needed and what happens? Lazaro shoots him with his harpoon. I had to laugh, I wasn't expecting it. The tone darkens momentarily when Lazaro reveals he's been scratched, he asks Juan to give him one last sunrise before the oar-to-the-face he requests. Granting his request, the two head to the roof of the building to see the sunrise.

Following the usual heart to heart between bros, Lazarus confesses his undying love for Juan and begs him to allow Juan to receive oral sex from him. After a very convincing speech, Juan agrees just in time to see Lazaro laugh. The sun comes up over a very sombre scene, Lazaro is slumped forward and without a word Juan cracks the oar down onto his head.

He's still alive! Hooray! Turns out his scratch was a non-zombie related injury and in celebration, the gang builds the Greased Lightening of aqua cars. Lazaro and Juan head to the seaside for a spot of zombie hunting to build a ramp of zombie parts to the sea. The Great Escape style jump is hilarious when it turns out it's only a few feet deep in the water.

Juan, who had rescued a small boy trapped in a dog house by a zombie arrives and wades through to water, handing the boy to safety. His speech is heartfelt when he leaves his amigos behind, happy to slay zombies knowing his friends and his daughter are safe.

The credits roll, showing Juan destroying zombies with his oar in a fab animated smile. The song My Way (Paul Anka) plays over, a punk version of the classic and it all just fits so well. The last scene of the credits show the gang back together again on the island, ready to kill. 

The feel of this film overall was so much more upbeat and funnier to that of Train to Busan, but both films are great examples of a genre that's hard to get right. Juan of the Dead had an epic soundtrack, believable characters and plenty of gore and comedy in equal measure. As I mentioned in the first post, I enjoy subtitled films as it gives you insight into the culture and the way a different language can affect the way you experience a film. A few things were a little over the top, but I liked the refreshing comedic feel following a tense nail biter of a film.

8 zombie heads out of 10.

And so there rounds up my mini movie marathon this Sunday, I've had my zombie fix for now, time to go and play in the real world. 

Until next time film fans!

Zombie Movie Marathon Sunday! Part 1.

Train to Busan (2016)

Kicking off this mini zombie marathon is Train to Busan, set in south Korea a group of commuters are in for the ride from hell. Who else likes to guess who's going to get it first? Our protagonist is a man (Seok-Woo played by Yoo Gong) who is the father of a young girl called Su-An (played by Su-An Kim). After missing her music recital, and buying her a Wii for her birthday when she already had one (yeah, cheers dad!), Su-An is adement she's getting on the train the next day to see her mum on her birthday. Sufficiently guilt tripped, dad and Su-An climb aboard and the train pulls away.

Our team of survivors starts out with dad and Su-An, a pregnant lady (we'll call her June), and her husband. Our resident bad guy, intent on sacrificing anyone to save his own skin, (grumpy old git man), a team of baseball players and their cheerleader and two elderly sisters. Not forgetting homeless man, train driver and conductor bringing up the numbers.

As with many zombie films, you're subjected to many small, isolated incidents at the beginning of the film, you know, ash raining from the sky, fire engines hurtling by and that deer you just ran over coming back to life. That sort of thing. Su-An sees a guy getting rugby tackled by a zombie and when she notices her dad is asleep decides now is the perfect time for a toilet break. Horror Movie Mistakes 101 never go anywhere alone in the event of a zombie outbreak.

The authorities have informed the train to stop at the next station, but the only thing awaiting them are hoards of zombies hungry for brunch, they steam right through and the survivors are separated in the chaos having to manoeuvre through three carriages crawling with the undead. Turns out the zombies can't see in the dark,and the survivors use the long tunnels to their advantage, fighting their way through with duct tape clad arms, baseball bats and a police riot shield. The scene where they're crawling across the overhead storage rail is particularly nail biting. One at a time please!

June's husband heroically sacrifices himself, while dad, Su-An, June and one of the elderly sisters make it inside to a less than welcoming gang of survivors lead by grumpy git himself. They are subsequently forced into the vestibule at grumpy's request, but one elderly sister, seeing that her sibling is now zombie kill decides they'll be none of this stupidity on her watch and lets in the zombies bringing down all but grumpy in their path. It's a bloodbath from start to finish. The baseball team are down to just one and the cheerleader by this point. Turns out their training hadn't reached what to do in the even of apocalypse. After all her complaining, and screaming it isn't all that sad to see the cheerleader get it, along with her boyfriend who basically cries and lets her eat him. Go Tigers!

The train is forced to make an emergency stop because of debris on the tracks, their only choice being to raid the handy station they are near for another train to Busan. I'd be writing a letter of complaint by this point, I'm late for work and covered in blood. I want my money back! Out of nowhere comes a runaway train, totally ablaze that traps dad, June, Su-An and the homeless man who bravely sacrifices himself to let the other three get away (technically four since June is pregnant). Meanwhile grumpy sacrifices the train driver who becomes zombie-chow after leaping from the moving carriage to save grumpy's sorry ass. 

Dad, June and Su-An manage to get a grip on the speeding train with a clusterfuck of zombies barrelling over one another, clinging on like shoppers to the sale rack. It's happy hour at the station and they're hungry! After they manage to rid themselves of the hoard they turn to see grumpy man, and yep, you guessed it, he's a zombie. Dun duh DUUUUN! In the brawl, dad manages to get himself bitten, and manages to finally give grumpy man what was coming to him and throw him over the side of the train which is still steaming ahead.

It was actually genuinely sad to watch Seok-Woo tell June (Seong-Kyeong played by Yu-Mi Yung) to pull the brake on the train only when it is safe and Su-An scream for her dad. He walks to the bvack of the train remembered her birth in a nice flashback before falling gracefully to his own demise. Only Su-An and June and the baby remain after what was probably more like a rollercoaster than a gentile commute to work and enter the dark tunnel, bodies strewn everywhere.

Su-An sings the song from the recital her dad missed as they approach the military and we're left to assume that they all lived happily ever after. It was a total nail biter from start to finish. They story was plausible (if not a little predictable in parts), the zombies were fast and the virus extremely fast acting. Definitely had a hint of 28 Days Later with it's large, open and empty spaces and agile zombies , but slightly less rage. Minimal, but well used CGI (like the deer for example) and a great overall sound and visual experience. I really enjoyed how tense this film was, and being able to tolerate subtitled movies I often enjoy experiencing the culture and effect other languages have on my viewing experience. Good solid plot, very believable characters, another different take on this well loved genre.

8 zombie heads out of 10.

Check out part 2 here!

My film of 2014

Fury
2014

Happy new year film fans, OK so it's somewhat belated but still. I hope you all had a good holiday regardless of your persuasion. Do you make new years' resolutions? Honestly, I don't bother because I'm awful at sticking to them. But I do want to write more this year. And without further fuss, here's my first, and who knows; quite possibly most important review of the new year. Indeed it is my film of the year 2014 also.

Without wanting to fawn all over Brad Pitt, or the film, I will just come out and say I feel as if this was the role Pitt was born to play. Now I'm hardly an expert in war films, in fact I tend to steer clear of them. Aside from some of the classics Full Metal Jacket, Saving Private Ryan, Apocalypse Now ET AL, I can't exactly call myself a veteran in viewing all things WW2 (other wars have occurred). But, I have the facts, and I have a partner who has so many facts that the mind boggles. 

I feel like it's important to mention that this is a 'tank' film (his words) of course, that shouldn't in any way skew the viewing of this veritable masterpiece, but you should know (if you don't already) that tank warfare the way they portray it anyway, is brutal and unrelenting. The edge of my seat at the cinema (yep, saw it in a 'take 2' showing at Cineworld) was the only part of it that was warm. It's a good job I was wearing a scarf because I spent much of the film clutching it until my fingers could have lead people out of the cinema in an emergency. If the very feel of material in my mouth didn't make me want to vomit I'd have probably choked myself with it, such was the level of tension in this film.

The stellar cast consisted of a war-hardened sergeant Don 'Wardaddy' Collier (Pitt) who commands a Sherman tank. It's 1945 and the war is almost over. Terrified of what is imminent, Hitler launches one terrifying last attack where no one escapes the call to fight. Not even women and children. Wardaddy's squad consists of bible-quoting Boyd 'Bible' Swan played by Shia LeBeouf, who's role is played perfectly, another career defining moment for the young actor. 

Trini 'Gordo' Garcia is played by Michael Peña who drives the tank. Grady 'Coon-Ass' Travis (John Bernthal) is pretty much the same character as Shane in The Walking Dead, the only difference being that he actually feels emotions other than anger. Finally, dumped into the midst of the chaos is typing clerk Norman Ellison played by baby-faced Logan Lerman. Who later earns the nickname 'Machine' as his confidence and desire to destroy every SS soldier in sight finally kicks in and he becomes an integral part of the crew.

Sent on several last-ditch missions by Captain Waggoner (Jason Issacs), they face terrible adversity and overcome obstacles that had many viewers in the cinema gasping. The terrible truth of what war was really like (in terms of casualties, and the final battle aside) isn't held back. Norman's first task it to clean out the remains of his predecessor, and unsurprisingly, the gruesome remains of the man's face have him scrabbling out of the tank to lose the last thing he ate. 

Wardaddy takes Norman under his wing, as they storm a field and destroy Nazi tanks, a straggling SS soldier breaks free, begging for his life. It's harrowing to watch as Wardaddy literally forces Norman to shoot the soldier. This seems to be somewhat of a turning point for the typing clerk who yells what is probably my favourite quote from the film "I am trained to type 60 words a minute, not trained to machine gun dead bodies." 

The tank (called Fury) is now the head of a small squad of 4 Shermans faced with a sole Nazi Panza in a terrifying and gripping stand-off. 3 of the tanks are picked off one by one as the allies realise that their weapons are useless against the Panza, it's only weakness is at the rear, which the crew of Fury manage to destroy just after I'd chewed my nails all the way down to bloody stumps. 

They are then sent on a final mission, to secure a crossroads. Norman is sent to a post in a line of trees up ahead to stand guard as the remainder of the crew stop to try and fix Fury which had just ran over a landmine. When the bomb went off quite a few people lost some popcorn, because it was so unexpected. For a short while everything is quiet, and so while Norman takes a short break and the guys try to fix the tank I will change the subject.

I wanted to mention one of my very favourite things about this film, and that's the audio. Obviously, being in the cinema makes for excellent surround sound and the such like, but it's rare that films put much emphasis on pushing the boundaries of sound. It has come along in recent years but the changes in tone, and the aural depth of field changes depending on whether the conversation is coming directly from someone's mouth, through the microphones around people's necks or Wardaddy talking on the speaker system. Also there is constant dull sounds of warfare, along with a constant stream of information coming through the radio system that you are immersed visually and aurally into what war was truly like.

Another thing that made this film true-to-life was the way the soldiers spoke, their lines were laced with homophobic and racial slurs, such was the norm back then. Obviously it isn't hard to put a bit of dirt on an actors face to give them a war-weary look but it was done subtly, and I'm not sure if Pitt really does have a scar above his lip, or if it was accentuated or put there deliberately but it served as another subtle nod to the gravity of war. 

Oh look, here come the Germans! Norman, you better leg it like your life depends on it (oh right, it DOES) back to the crew and warn them. While he's doing that, there is just one more thing I want to talk about before we get back to the final, harrowing scenes of the film. Everyone we meet in this film has a role to play, right down to the characters that have their lives extinguished moments after their entrance into the scene. Obviously there are a lot of bodies that get shot down but the use of actors with lines (apart from the crew) are sparse, which further served to fully immerse you into the plot. 

During one scene Wardaddy and Norman have entered a building in a town they have just taken where two terrified women offer them food, drink and hot water. Obviously we catch a glimpse of Pitt's bod, because let's face facts here, it was bound to happen. And yes, for the record, it's worth it. I'm probably going to be guessing forever if Norman and the petite Emma did the dirty in the bedroom but it was done tastefully and Norman doesn't kiss and tell despite the drunk crew bustling in as he's doing up his shirt.

Unfortunately, just as their about to mount up and move out, artillery goes off everywhere and the building Emma and her cousin were in is (somewhat predictably) blasted to pieces. Norman is beside himself, but this is specifically placed to help him on his path to the screaming, confident SS-soldier-destroying Machine during the final fight.

On that note, Norman has made it back to the tank. Phew! Given the fact that he was barely a mile up the road he manages to run back and warn them and then the remainder of the day passes by while the crew one by one join Wardaddy in a final Mexican standoff against the never ending line of SS soldiers who arrive some 6 days later (or so it feels). 

Needless to say in true American gung-ho style, they decide they can take on the soldiers with only the one tank. Waiting until they are surrounded by soldiers, and the hatch is opened, all hell breaks loose. In about 2 minutes it has gone from one dead soldier in broad daylight to night-time and the bodies are piling up faster than the crew can re-load their guns. Now I don't want to ruin the end of this film because it is a little predictable but non the less it is sublime. I particularly enjoyed the fact that Pitt could speak German in the film, and when an SS soldier yells 'we will skin you alive!' he amusingly retorts 'shut up and send me more pigs to kill', 

The final scene is an aerial shot of the now blasted and on-fire Fury, as the camera zooms out we get to see just what five extremely brave soldiers can do with the grace of god and a .50 caliber machine gun. No question, the most poignant scene of the whole film, queue lights, a quick wipe-away of the tears in my eyes and a visit to the nearest booze emporium to get something to calm me down enough to sleep.

The only flaw (for me) was the fact that I couldn't make out some of what was being said from time to time, and the scene where there are two smoking soldiers who are glowing because of the phosphorus from the tank shell which I'm reliably informed wasn't available back then. Of course there were some tiny inaccuracies but if you take the film at face value (which being a self-proclaimed noob at all things war related I did) then you cannot fail to appreciate the sheer magnitude of this masterpiece. 

2015 has some serious competition 

Twelfteen out of ten.
Until next time film fans.

How far would you go for money?

Would You Rather (2012)

Hello film fans! Here I am, back with another review! I just want to say, before we get started, that the above posted/dvd cover isn't the one that shows up on Netflix, it is rather, a close up of an eye with a razor blade, lip-pursingly close to it. I prefer that one to the above one as it is less fussy and far more inviting that the busy poster above.

Anyway, without further ado. Would You Rather is a sort of Ronseal job (does what it says on the tin). There is a woman, Iris (Brittany Snow) whose brother Raleigh (isn't that a kind of bike?! Played by Logan Miller) is dying of some terrible disease. The film opens with her desperately trying to find a job to help pay the debt left by their dead parents as well as the mounting medical bills. Needless to say, she's unsuccessful, and has had to drop out of collage to take care of Raleigh.

For some unfathomable reason, one of her brother's doctors invites Iris to meet with a man called Shep (Jeffrey Combs) who tells Iris of a 'game' that he hosts once a year, the winner receives all the help they require for whatever problems they have in their life, be it bad health, drugs, debt, or in Iris' case, her debt and medical bills. Oh and a transplant that her brother desperately needs lest he die.

For even more unfathomable reasons, Iris asks NO questions as to the nature of this 'game'. The doctor and Shep are infuriatingly vague about giving any details and talk like politicians, beating around the bush and never saying anything useful.

So of course, Iris goes. Not before spinning some lie to her brother that will have consequences later on in the film. Anyway, a car comes to pick her up and she arrives and begins talking with a couple of the other 'contestants'. All together there are 8 people, Iris, the token black guy, kick-ass Dave, can't-take-a-beating-Bob, gambling-fat-man, wheelchair-bound-biddy, stick-up-her-ass-goth-chick and alcoholic-Jim. 

As they are all sitting around eating dinner, Iris informs her host she is veggie when she is served steak and foie-gras. Shep says he'll pay her $10'000 to eat the meat. Which she does, and let the carnage begin.

Just to cut a long story short, alcoholic-Jim is the first to die, after swallowing an entire decanter of whiskey he kicks off and is shot by the butler-assassin. can't-take-a-beating-Bob literally gets beaten to death with a fancy whipping stick. He got preferential treatment for saying something insulting to Shep's son, Julian (who is a complete tool, far too interested in the sicker side of the game. I really hoped to see him get his just desserts, which he does to an extent but nowhere near what he deserved).

Token black guy gets shot during the groups first, and only, attempt at escape. Wheelchair-bound-biddy gets stabbed in the leg with an ice-pick by gambling-fat-man who tears open her artery and she bleeds to death. Gambling fat man has a quarter stick duct-taped to his hand which he is forced to light himself, resulting in a few less fingers and a heart attack that sees him off. 

At this point, they're all having to choose between holding their breath in a barrel full of water for 2 minutes or opting for the punishments in their envelopes. Needless to say gambling-fat-man went for what was behind door number two and lost a hand. Iris chooses the barrel and makes it out alive. Kick-ass Dave opts for envelope and has to slice open his eye with a razor blade which he manages with a second to spare before being shot by the staff.

Stick-up-her-ass-goth-chick, who has been a real pleasure to deal with up to this point (she stabbed Iris in the side, electrocuted at least two people and was the favourite to win) chooses the envelope. We learn her husband drowned their baby (but surprisingly this is ALL we know about her) her envelope? 4 minutes underwater. Just as she's taking a huge gulp of air, her head is thrust into the water meaning she lasts about 30 seconds before drowning.

It's down to Iris and kick-ass Dave. Would You Rather shoot Dave while he's in the middle of telling you his heartbreaking story? Or would your rather escap....oh no you shot Dave.

Hurrah, you.....win?! Anyway, beaten, bloody and looking like a melancholy panda, Iris takes her dufflebag full of cash along with promises of the desired organs before the end of the following week and returns home. 

I won't spoil the very end, but if you have half a brain you've probably figured it out. It is my opinion that this film had great potential, it is reminiscent of Cabin in the Woods, and Killing Room. It just missed out on so much more, yes it had tension, and the bloke who played Shep the crazy millionaire wasn't a bad actor but on the whole most of the characters lacked any depth and the plot was predictable for the most part. Still it wasn't the worst film I've ever seen and if you like a tense plot it's worth a watch.

It scores a middle of the road 5/10

Until next time, film fans. 

Netflix - Greatest invention in the history of the world? Or destroyer of lives?

Yes yes, I realise that the title to this blog seems somewhat ominous, but bear with me here. I have a point I promise. And I'm sorry that this isn't a movie review. I don't really know why I'm considering apologising to you (whoever you are) about the time gaps in my entries to this blog. The reasons I don't keep it up to date are numerous, but essentially boil down to laziness. I won't lie, I pick you up and drop you when I'm bored, blog. Also, sometimes I prefer to bathe in the after-glow of a good film rather than dissect it. 

Finally, there's Netflix. This, personally speaking, is a perfectly acceptable excuse for not posting as often as I perhaps feel I should be doing.

Hard to believe that Netflix is approaching its 15th birthday, and like most teenagers, it sucks your money sometimes offering lots in return and other times demanding you spend hours looking through its filthy room for dirty washing and finding porn mags with its pages stuck together and the distinct aroma of illegal narcotics.

And this is why Netflix is either the most wonderful invention the world has ever seen, or indeed the very downfall of humanity. Of course, I'm not saying that Netflix will single-handedly bring about the apocalypse. Still, if it does, you can say you heard it here first. Feel free to take it to the bank and cash in that cheque, and all the while you can call me Psychic McJones.

No. Total apocalypse aside, I am merely referring to the film industry and people's perception of what 'good' is with regards to films. As an avid film-watcher, recent graduate in the field and possibly a highly trumped-up ego, I feel I have enough experience of how the industry works to pass judgement on people's viewing habits.

OK, allow me if you will, to take you back about 23 years. It's 1991, and I am a chubby 7 year old who knows all the words to Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid. I'm sure there were other videos (ah yes, videos, who remembers those?!) but back in those days, videos were EXPENSIVE and so you watched them until your favourite scenes sounded like they'd been recorded in the cinema using your uncle Dave's crappy half-ton camcorder and a couple of cups on string for sound. The rewind button on the video player was permanently pressed-in and a remote control was the stuff of dreams, that only really really rich people had.

What is the point of this silly flashback I hear you cry, hopefully on a packed train where those who aren't lost in the world of noise-cancelling Beats (or whatever the crap those oh-so-popular headphones are called) will turn and look at you with an expression that says 'crazy hipster loony'. Yes, yes I take pleasure in making people feel embarrassed, so kill me. 

Well, anyway, the point is this. Way back when videos were expensive, they were also precious. You watched and watched them, usually until they were totally destroyed. Even if you rented one for the evening you would watch it from start to finish. If you were anything like me, you even sat through all the trailers at the beginning of the film.

It was the same with trips to the cinema. I can count on one hand the number of new releases I saw in the cinema between the ages of 0 and 15. Mostly, I would visit a local cinema that showed black and white silent moves day and night in the basement and blockbusters several years after their release in the upstairs screen. Even then you'd barely see change out of £5 for a family & snacks. It later transpired that the man who owned the cinema went down for murder and that old cinema since been converted into flats (true story, look it up!).

Now, and this is important, I'm not a technophobe! I've grown up surrounded by computers like the rest of you (well, most of you at least). Granted when I first started using computers, floppy discs were indeed floppy, and my first experience of Apple wasn't anything exciting. Like so many others I'd likely be lost without my all-singing all-dancing smart phone. And YES I do have a Netflix subscription and have/have had subscriptions to Love Film, Blockbusters, Tesco Film and Film4OD. I have a modest collection of about 450 DVDs and Wish Lists for more on Amazon, eBay and IMDb. IMDb is also one of my most used web pages and I happen to think it is absolutely wonderfully marvellous! 

No, I'm not discrediting technology. YES we are wholly dependent on something that can (and most likely eventually will) crash and send us spiralling into a global panic, or worse, turn on us and enslave us with the very technology we created. But I'm not saying that it's so terrible that if you're lost (and as long as you're in a free Wi-Fi area) you can find your way. It can save lives, save time and save money if you know what you're doing.

But the huge advances in technology that have brought us streaming content at the click of a button has soured our love for film, and also driven the wedge between humanity that many times deeper. For example, do you know the names of your neighbours? When commuting to work, do you sit with headphones on or do you perhaps converse with your fellow commuters. Have you almost run over someone who's walked into the road, too busy looking at their phone to look where they're going? Perhaps you've narrowly avoided a crash with another driver who's talking on their phone? Do you know people who are thousands of pounds in debt simply because they 'had' to have the most recent iPhone (other smart phones are available). Well, this is because technology means we can talk to friends we haven't seen since high school, we can email every company in the world and go about our day to day business without actually saying a single word, face to face, with another human being.

Unfortunately, to try and bring back the days of face-to-face conversation is to grasp idly at straws. The future leaders of our world are all Bieber-loving Facebook-addicted loons with strange shaped texting-thumbs. By the time these people come into power, I hope to be living entirely off the grid, with 12 boxes of DVDs I can't watch any more. Love it or hate it, just like Bieber, technology is not only here to stay, but will seep deeper and deeper into humanity until we're living in a world that's a cross between Surrogates and 1984. 

Well, this blog entry took an unexpected dark turn. Sorry, it's relevant. I'm going to get to my point now, as I have a stack of 5 DVDs to get through before the end of tomorrow that I'd like to blog about. So, technology has given birth to a new way to consume film. And herein lies the problem. Unlike those heady days of 1991, where films were made to be watched from start to finish, and were so, over and over. Today Netflix allows us the luxury of half-watching thousands of films.

Gone are the days of watching something so many times that you can recount word for word the entire script. Your need for the 'perfect' film is an insatiable urge, it forces you to rate films you've seen to give you an idea of ones you may like. I too am guilty of starting a film with no real intention of seeing it until the end. If it isn't satisfying my need for romance, horror, gore, or perfection, I will simply cease watching and move onto the next vaguely interesting sounding film.

Where once up a time was the beginning of 90 minutes of childish wonder and awe, it is now a precursor to a half-eaten pie, a vague attempt at finding that nugget of gold in a sea of half-baked comedies and you drawing the conclusion that if you've seen one cop car chase, you've seen them all. 

But, and here's the kicker, why would you actually leave the comfort of your Ikea Skonor (or whatever) sofa (that you bought on line BTW using your FindMyPerfectSofa app) to go to the dying breed that is HMV (other stores are available - oh yeah, sorry, no they're not. Who remembers Our Sound? Exactly!) and spend £2 on a DVD, or goodness forbid £14.99 on a new release when you could watch the ENTIRE box set of Breaking Bad, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Daria, Jonathan Creek (I could go on) by simply opening another tab in your screen, leaving this blog as just another memory of the outside world and pay £5.99 a month for all-you-can-eat entertainment? What was I talking about again? I've just seen that a programme I used to watch as a child is on Netflix...I used to love this show.....

Until next time, film fans.